The message you didn't send is still costing them the evening
Aug 7
Empty space, drag to resize
You told your team not to answer anything at night. You meant it. You've said it out loud in a team meeting more than once. They didn't get it. They are still on alert. Their phones stay face up on the kitchen table all evening.
Research published in Frontiers in Psychology this June explains why. The researchers split two things we usually treat as one. There is the after-hours contact that actually happens. And there is the expectation that contact might happen. The second one has its own name now. Availability expectation.
The expectation alone is enough to keep someone from switching off. Nothing has to arrive. One email that could arrive does the same work as twenty that do. Which means a leader who sends two late emails a month can still be the reason nobody recovers.
Research published in Frontiers in Psychology this June explains why. The researchers split two things we usually treat as one. There is the after-hours contact that actually happens. And there is the expectation that contact might happen. The second one has its own name now. Availability expectation.
The expectation alone is enough to keep someone from switching off. Nothing has to arrive. One email that could arrive does the same work as twenty that do. Which means a leader who sends two late emails a month can still be the reason nobody recovers.
The guard who never gets the all clear
Your brain has a guard. I usually call her Amy. She runs the amygdala, two small almond shaped parts deep inside your head. Her job is old and simple. Watch for anything that might harm you.
Amy is good at her job. She can stand down completely from a threat she has ruled out. But she has to keep watching one that stays open. An evening where something might arrive is exactly that. So she stays on low watch until morning.
That watch is what stops the team from switching off. Not the message. The message never comes.
Your brain also has a creative soul. I usually call him Dreamy. He runs the default mode network. He gets his turn when nothing is claiming your attention. Not the whole evening, because plenty at home still needs focus. His turn comes in the gaps. The shower. The walk. The ten minutes before you fall asleep.
Those gaps are where the day gets sorted. Old memories connect in new ways. The solution you couldn't find at four arrives at nine.
But Dreamy is strongly affected by Amy. A tense Amy makes him worry and ruminate. He stops making connections. Instead he builds the version of tomorrow where it goes badly.
Then Amy hears his stories and raises her own watch again. The two of them keep each other going half the night.
Your two minutes is not two minutes to them
Most leaders treat switching off as a personal skill. It isn't only personal. It's set by the norms and culture in the organisation. Most of those norms were never spoken out loud.
What actually changes it
Two moves. Neither costs money.
Your brain has a guard. I usually call her Amy. She runs the amygdala, two small almond shaped parts deep inside your head. Her job is old and simple. Watch for anything that might harm you.
Amy is good at her job. She can stand down completely from a threat she has ruled out. But she has to keep watching one that stays open. An evening where something might arrive is exactly that. So she stays on low watch until morning.
That watch is what stops the team from switching off. Not the message. The message never comes.
Your brain also has a creative soul. I usually call him Dreamy. He runs the default mode network. He gets his turn when nothing is claiming your attention. Not the whole evening, because plenty at home still needs focus. His turn comes in the gaps. The shower. The walk. The ten minutes before you fall asleep.
Those gaps are where the day gets sorted. Old memories connect in new ways. The solution you couldn't find at four arrives at nine.
But Dreamy is strongly affected by Amy. A tense Amy makes him worry and ruminate. He stops making connections. Instead he builds the version of tomorrow where it goes badly.
Then Amy hears his stories and raises her own watch again. The two of them keep each other going half the night.
Your two minutes is not two minutes to them
Most leaders treat switching off as a personal skill. It isn't only personal. It's set by the norms and culture in the organisation. Most of those norms were never spoken out loud.
When I ask a group of leaders where their always-on habit came from, they name a former boss, the emails that landed at ten, the meetings booked at the end of the afternoon. Nothing was ever stated. Everyone understood it anyway.
Usually when we talk, someone in the group raise their hand and says - guilty as charged. It was rarely ill meant. You had been present with your family all evening. Then you stepped in for two minutes to clear one thing. But from the outside it looked like you never stopped.
You don't decide what your two minutes means to the people who work for you. They read the timestamp. Then they build a rule from it. Amy stays up on a night when nothing happens.
What actually changes it
Two moves. Neither costs money.
You've probably tried the first one already. It came out something like this - nobody has to answer my emails after six. That tells them what they are allowed to ignore. It says nothing about what might be coming from you. So they keep watching.
Be clear instead. Nothing will arrive from you after six. Not a question, not a thought you had in the car. Then tell them the one case that breaks it. If something can't wait until morning, you'll call. Say which two or three situations count.
The naming is what does the work. Amy only stands down from a threat she can rule out. Name the exception and she can relax. Leave it vague and she stays on guard.
Then stop sending after six yourself. Replies included. Most leaders manage the first move and skip this one. One reply at half past nine undoes a month of what you said. So work late if you want to. Just schedule the send for the morning. It takes four seconds and nobody has to know.
Do both and the evening goes quiet for your team. The shower. The walk. The ten minutes before sleep. With Amy feeling safe and Dreamy making connections instead of worrying.
The research found the effect doesn't stop with your team. It reaches their partner's stress levels too. So the evening you kept someone on alert travels further than you'll ever see.
The research found the effect doesn't stop with your team. It reaches their partner's stress levels too. So the evening you kept someone on alert travels further than you'll ever see.
Think about your own last three evenings. Was the phone face down? And if it wasn't, whose expectation were you living up to.
/ Maria